


won't sleep when i'm dead, either

by Jaybird_Wings



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter-centric, Sleep Deprivation, Traumatized Peter Parker, Worried Tony Stark, because I love parental Tony???, minor ned and mj appearances, peter can't sleep because of Trauma, so much???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 09:58:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14566563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaybird_Wings/pseuds/Jaybird_Wings
Summary: Peter hasn't been able to sleep, but he swears he's fine.(He's really not)





	won't sleep when i'm dead, either

**Author's Note:**

> In which the author pushes their sleep deprivation issues onto the spider-boy

Ever since he became a superhero, his nightly hours went from 7-8 to 4-6 hours per night. He felt tired most of the time. As the year progressed his hours crumpled into 1-3 hours to many all-nighters per weeks. It was bad; his eyes became red and bloodshot and he was so, so tired. Sometimes he skipped patrol after a long day to just sleep. But then he would wake up at two in the morning and just change into the suit. There's a city to protect, afterall.

And ever since he activated Karen, she’s been nagging. 

“You haven’t had sufficient amounts of sleep in a while, Peter.”

“I’m a teenager, it’s normal.”

“Sleep is very important for someone your age. What can I do to help?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll try getting more sleep.”

And he honestly does try, which meant trying to get seven hours of sleep (or more) per week. He dozed off during lectures and he felt dizzy during fights- but everything was fine. Fine. He could handle this.  

He can handle the days that seem bad, and he tells himself the next will be better but he knows it won’t- and then it isn’t. Oh, and he’s pretty sure he’s slightly hallucinating from sleep deprivation.

Nothing serious, obviously, he’s still in touch with reality. He's okay.

But sometimes he hears the building collapsing around him and it isn’t. Or sometimes it’s the Vulture screaming at him, but Peter knows he's in prison. The content of his nightmares is leaking into his waking hours. And wow, what was the point of sleep deprivation if what he’s avoiding still follows him?

He can’t sleep, people are telling him to sleep like it’s easy. MJ makes fun of him when he complains and Karen reads out statistics but it’s so much more complicated than that.   
Peter’s got issues. When his parents died, he had uncle Ben to talk to. When Ben died all the complicated and messy emotions were locked away. May worried so much and she was so stressed working hard to support them. She believed in giving him space, and he loved her so much for that, but he hadn’t spoken to anyone about Ben’s death. 

And the spider bite, and the weight of being Spiderman. His negligence was the reason Uncle Ben was dead. No one understood how he didn’t just want to be Spiderman, he had to be Spiderman. 

Everything with the Vulture still was reeling in his head. The building collapsing on him- the plane he could have fallen off of and splattered onto the ground into some unidentifiable mess- in burning wreckage and sand as the Vulture beat him within an inch of his life because Happy and Mr. Stark had better things to do than listen to Peter. 

He didn’t have a lot of nightmares, but he’d wake in an unexplainable panic unable to breathe. Sometimes it’d be a normal day but the panic, unexplainable, would trickle in ruining a good day to paranoia. Sometimes the panic was set off by something, like claustrophobia or certain words. It always freaked him out when people unknowingly spoke the same words as Toomes. 

He felt on edge and unsafe. 

He didn’t know why he couldn’t just sleep. During long bus rides for decathlon or field trips, he’d try getting a few z’s in only to startle awake not fifteen minutes later. On weekends, he’d wake to gasp for air stuck in his throat. He was so exhausted, so why couldn’t he just sleep? Why was he just lying in bed for hours feeling his heart race, why couldn’t he just sleep?  
During one late Friday night, he was in the Avengers tower tinkering in a lab when he dozed off at six pm. He woke up having gotten more hours of sleep that he had the entire week before. He was somehow on the couch with a blanket thrown over him. 

“FRIDAY, what time is it?” He mumbled. It was dark in the lab and the sky outside was still dark as well.

“Four thirty-eight in the morning.” 

“What happened last night?”

“You passed out in the lab from sleep deprivation. Mr. Stark contacted your Aunt, who said let your sleep since you rarely get any and it was the weekend as well. So, Mr. Stark moved you to the couch and stayed up until two am before retiring to his room.”

“Okay…” 

He hadn’t slept like that in ages but didn’t think anything special of the occasion.   
Until time passed and his insane power nap didn’t last too long to keep him afloat. He’d spent three days awake when the school week came to another end and he went to the tower again.   
After the whole Vulture incident, Happy and Mr. Stark paid a little more attention. (A lot more attention.) Happy sometimes picked him up from school or took him places and responded to texts.

And he had sort of a real internship at Stark Industries. It was entirely informal and was still partially made of his alter ego, Spiderman, but it was something mroe real.   
But in the past few months, he’s gotten to actually know Mr. Stark and he’d like to think they’re- friends(?) Is that what this is? Is Peter Parker serious friends with the billionaire slash superhero Iron Man? 

  
One day when Bruce Banner was there he called Peter “Tony’s illegitimate child” as a joke and now Mr. Stark occasionally- as a joke! - calls him son or kiddo. (is this real life or have the hallucinations finally gotten out of control)

  
But yeah, things were great with Mr. Stark and the internship. (which sometimes consisted of going to hot dog stands with Mr. Stark- or like now.)   
“Hey kid, want to marathon Doctor Who tonight with Bruce and me? For scientific purposes, of course.” Mr. Stark asked.   
“Of course?”   
Like, maybe he’s finally gone insane from sleep deprivation but this was pretty great. Until he passed out within the first episode. It was dark and he was bundled in blankets- and the months of ongoing sleep loss.   
Once again, it’s still light out when he’s out and wakes up to the sounds of machines   
“Hey there sleeping beauty, you’ve been out for twelve hours.” Mr. Stark said. Holy shit.   
“Ah, so-sorry.”

How humiliating. 

Eventually, Peter worked out the pattern.  
Whenever he stayed over at Ned’s house for the night he’d pass out immediately. Same at MJ’s place, and no matter how much she made fun of his bloodshot eyes and bags she let him sleep until noon the next day. 

The pattern being, he fell asleep when he was surrounded by people he felt safe around. 

Not that he didn’t feel safe around Aunt May- but it was the house of anxiety filled nights where he had to sneak in to not alert May. When she found out if he returned late she’d lecture him no matter the time. That’s why he started napping for an hour or two before sneaking out at two am without May knowing. He felt safe around May, but he’d lay in bed thinking soon May’s going to rush in to yell at him because he isn’t sleeping, he isn’t sleeping, why can’t he sleep?

He slept anywhere that wasn’t his room, and if anyone notice they didn’t mention it. He spent more evening at the Avengers Tower, passing out, and then preparing to go to school. It became regular, and he set up in Ned and MJ’s places as well. He still made sure to spend time with May, but he was getting more sleep than he has had in while and it was nice.   
It was another Friday, but the Avengers were out for something important. He couldn’t just fall asleep in the lab without Mr. Stark around. Ned and his family were visiting some relatives over the weekend and MJ was at the opera (?) or something. 

He was stranded. All right. That’s okay.   
He’d just spend the entire night patrolling. Eventually, when seven am rolled around he felt exhausted and crawled back home to sleep. After two hours, he woke up in a panic again. Exhausted, he gave up on sleeping.   
Apparently, the little buffer of sleep he’d gotten couldn’t handle a sudden three nights without sleep, because Monday rolled around and he was _tired_. 

During class on Wednesday, the English teacher asked for an important theme from the short story they read.

“Nothing is more important than family.” Someone said, and it rang in Peter’s ears, in a different voice. In Adrian Toomes’s voice. In the car, before homecoming, where Liz had left him, unknowingly leaving him out to the dogs to be torn apart. That’s the thing Tomes had said. He said he'd do anything for his family. 

It rattled him for the entire day, and he felt so stupid for it.  
Then during patrolling, where the words of a ghost still bothered him, some criminal growled, “You’re messing with things you don’t understand.” The Vulture said that at the ferry.  
He fought through the panic, finished up with the crime scene, the police came as he left, and he collapsed onto a roof as panic hit him hard. He was exhausted because since his 72 hours awake he got two hours on Monday night and a half hour on Tuesday night. He’s so, so tired and has been for so long, and he’s panicking. 

Karen’s voice comes on, “Your heart rate is at abnormal rates, what’s wrong, Peter?”

“Nothing, I’ll calm down.”

“Do you need me to alert somebody?”

“No, no, I’ll- I’m fine.”

He’s not fine.   
He couldn’t fall asleep that night, and refused to stay over at another place because somebody was bound to ask him 'what’s wrong?' or 'why do you look so shaken Peter?' And he’s fine, he’s fine so stop asking.   
He goes out to patrol again when he knows he’s not sleeping after such a panic attack. Suddenly he hears mechanical whirls and distant voices, and he ends up swinging over half the city before he realizes it’s all in his head. Tomes is still in prison and it’s all in his head. 

He really needs some sleep. 

He ends up passing out during a test and rushes to finish it before the bells go off. Luckily, it’s just an easy math test and last period, so their teacher lets the stranglers linger.   
He spends another night awake.

And then a holiday rolls around and school is out for two weeks. Ned, MJ, and himself have a sleepover before Ned and MJ leave town for the break.  
It’s a good two days where he doesn’t actually get a lot of sleep (well, five hours is a lot for him) because he does want to spend time conscious with his friends before they leave.  
But then they’re gone, and he still has the better part of two weeks left and a whole lot of sleep deprivations, probably. (definitely.)  
He likes the free time because he can patrol all he wants during the day. When he comes home May has cooked something again. They end up ordering pizza.

“I can’t believe you’re getting two weeks off for Easter.” She says.

“Yeah.” He laughs.

It’s all good before he spends all night watching YouTube videos.  
And the break is uneventful and he’s spending his fourth day straight awake and he hasn’t done that before. Wow. May’s been busy with work, taking some late hours, so she hasn’t had time to mother hen over him like he knows she would. When he dons the suit, Karen speaks up.

“You should get some sleep, Peter. Your vitals are not well enough to go out patrolling today. This has been a consistent issue, should I contact Mr. Stark?”

“No, no, no, it’s fine. I’m fine, I have to go out and be Spiderman, a little sleep deprivation is nothing.”

“If you intend to try and patrol I’m afraid I’ll have to alert Mr. Stark.”

“Ugh, okay, okay. I won’t.” He liked it better when his suit didn’t try to micromanage his mess of a life.

 

He gets a couple of hours of sleep before he wakes up, for no reason at all. His eyes burn but sleep won’t come again and it’s still light out.

That’s how the first half of break goes.

On Sunday, he finally visits Avengers Tower because, honestly, he wants to sleep. But then he spends hours tinkering with Mr. Stark before sleeping.  
Peter wakes up three hours later and looks around to see that Mr. Stark is gone. He can’t sleep and spends the next hours on his phone, eventually dozing off for another hour. So much about getting sleep at the tower. He spends the morning discussing science and whatever with Mr. Stark before leaving to patrol. He feels too sluggish and he quickly gives up. His super senses are failing him a little- and now, alongside everybody in his life, his body is protesting that he should sleep.

‘hey ned can i come over today?’ he texts when his friend finally comes back. Peter’s been pulling more all-nighters.

‘dude, i swear youre asleep more than awake around me. but okay, sure’ Ned responds.

‘i promise we can do something fun like build a lego set or watch something. I swear.’ Peter comes over, but Peter’s out like a light while they are re-watching Star Trek. 

“You have an issue,” Ned says over breakfast.

“Trust me, I know.” He replies. 

He knows.   
He’s manic and paranoid and hearing things- he knows.

Peter’s distressed when Karen won’t let him patrol. It’s late at night and he needs to spend some adrenaline as Spiderman.

“You’re wearing yourself out and if you leave your room, I will have to contact Mr. Stark for your own well-being.” He feels like crying and he’s just so tired. Now his AI won’t let him fight crime.

“You don’t need to contact Mr. Stark every time something is wrong. I can handle things, I can take care of myself. I’m going out tonight.” After patrolling and dealing with some petty crime, he lands on a rooftop to see Tony Stark, decked out as Iron Man with the faceplate up. So, he was here in person even. (He wanted Karen to be lying, ugh, she’s an AI why would she be lying?)

“Hey kid, what’s going on?” He sounds all firm yet disappointed, and slightly angry like he’s- like he’s an authority or whatever. (he’s acting like a dad)

“Nothing.” He lies through his teeth.

“Nothing, huh? Karen’s sent me... months of your sleeping patterns, which I mean the lack of. Look, I know what it’s like, and I don’t want to be hypocritical-”

“Then don’t.”

“But kid, you’re tearing yourself apart.”

His shoulders hurt. Sometimes they have phantom pains of when concrete was crushing him. Pounds upon pounds of concrete digging into his back, nails cutting into his flesh as dust and water rolled into his face and he couldn’t breathe. He healed faster, but due to the unnatural healing process he often scarred. The fight with Toomes left long scars over him. For some reason, they hurt especially on colder nights like these.

“Can I just- can I just crash at the Avenger Tower?” He says weakly, because he’s tired to the point where he feels like throwing up and everything is burning- and he’s so tired.

And instead of a stiff chair or tiny couch, it’s a guest room. Mr. Stark stays nearby, writing on official-looking documents, singing things, and opening up holograms that light up a gentle blue.  
So, he probably knows why Peter keeps crashing at the tower.

That’s a problem for the morning though.

Right now, he just needs to sleep.

In the morning, Mr. Stark takes Peter aside to give him A Talk.

"Why haven't you been sleeping? You know May said if you can't handle being Spiderman and keeping your grades up-"

Peter cuts in, "It's not- it's not that, Mr. Stark. It's just- when I lay in bed I just- i just can't sleep. I know I haven't been getting enough, but I _haven't_ been able to sleep."

"What if you set up a room here?" Mr. Stark quips.

"What?"

"If it gets you sleeping I think May would agree, right?"

"What?" He repeats and Mr. Stark starts walking, a hand on Peter's shoulder to guide him.

"I mean- that's what you do. Come here and crash."

It's not wrong.

He starts stuttering, "I couldn't- you don't have to-"

Mr. Stark ignores him and says, "Hey FRIDAY, can you text May the details? I don't want her thinking I'm stealing her child."

"Right away, sir."

Peter is distressed, because yeah, finally getting consistent amounts of decent sleep sounds great; but this is Avengers tower. _Tony Stark's_ Tower.

And yeah, Mr. Stark has been more involved in Peter's life and helping out, but this is- is taking care of living expenses or something. This is super personal.

"Why?" He drawls in a panic.

"Becuase I know I can't stop you being Spiderman and I know I can't stop you if you go out sleep deprived. I'm worried kid, that's why."

 

Things might just be okay.

 

"Peter, you won't believe what happened to me over break," Ned says over lunch.

"Uh-huh." He smirks, thinking back to the boxes and unpacking he did.

He's sleeping again. (He's fine, for real this time)

**Author's Note:**

> Ha, uh I didn't quite know how to finish this, actually?? Hopefully, the ending is decent.


End file.
